i know

 hey guys,

idk i just felt like expressing this first before starting my assignments but idk sometimes it does hit me, you know? i can act like i'm ok but of course i know its ok to not be ok.

maybe because i've only told this to like, three friends, not everyone knows how im doing. why? i just dont wanna live as the epitome of pity. i wanna act normal so that i match the energy of people that talk to me and can somehow i guess, echo the emotion sincerely into my deepest thoughts.

maybe because, i too, wanna be dramatic and want people to notice and ask but nah, i'm not that petty. i don't feel like talking to a lot of people now, but i'll be honest if people ask me how im doing.

im not that much active on social media right now. i rarely tweet, or retweet, or post photos or basically socialise online? i realised i hate it. well, hate is a strong word, and maybe i shouldn't put it that way, but i hate how we can no longer opt for human interaction because of this pandemic. 

i think i've been opening up too much throughout my whole life I've forgotten what it means to be private. the last time i did was when i decided to put a mute button on myself during primary school because i was scared of people. i missed a lot of chances for myself when i did that, so i aint going back to being mute and bullied and taken advantage of. that athirah has long died.

one thing i realised is that i have waaay too much emotions, and my heart can't handle the burden thats why i always excessively share my thoughts, making me basically like an open book, everyone can read me.

but i also hide my emotions a lot, or maybe numb my feelings i guess in a way? because i know sometimes the heart and mind can be deceiving, and others might not even think about me at all, so i should not really give in to the whispers that keep talking to me.

its hard, especially if you're alone in your bedroom and heartbroken. you tend to be inclined to the deceitful whispers saying you're not good enough. you are good enough husna. 

i don't write these blogposts for anyone else but myself. thank you if you were concern enough to read this post if you currently are :) i just... don't feel like sharing things to everyone.... anymore (:(