speechless

 hey everyone,

its been years and I dont know if anyone would like to read this but here I am, writing in raw state.

i dont think i have the energy to write about what happened these past years but i guess i'll summarise. 

everything went well at unikl, and i continued to ewha. managed to get 4급 and took my place at konkuk for degree, that is after i had been rejected twice by skku. i'll admit, learning has been hard here but what made it harder was the emotional distress here.

since covid 19, everything became a mess. but i, for one knew that this was the same for everyone so i have no right to say that i'm doing worse than everyone else.

but for now, this is an update on my mental health i guess?

i think ill put the link to this blog on twitter and instagram but i dont think ill be sharing it to everyone, ill just allow anyone who'd like to read about me, read. doesn't matter if you're here for the tea or not, I'm here, this is me, Athirah Husna writing from her bedroom in Korea on her ikea chair using the macbook that she bought using her own savings (gotta mention that bc im proud of myself!!! tapi i dont wanna seem like thats a flex yknow? hehe)

well, if you wanna know what happened, well, these past two days were overwhelming. I've never went sleepless 24 hours but somehow i managed to make that happen yesterday. and honestly i felt restless even till 1pm. but i eventually managed to sleep even though i didn't feel like it. i guess thats what heartbreak does to you?

but honestly, i didn't cry as much as i did, maybe because i've already cried so much before. this time i laughed because i knew my tears were not just because i was an emotional PMSing girl because things really did happen. maybe thats why i don't bother to cry at all now i guess?

its an old story but maybe because I've always heralded that person as someone perfect, too good to be true, it was as if i already knew i'd be proven wrong. well, yes i was, two days ago. 

i shouldn't be one to put blame on others because i know that i too, had done bad and when you're a wreck, it isn't easy to think straight. i think i'm being too general here but i don't wanna share more 'tea/aib' than i should. i believe in second chances, yes i do. and i'd like to give people an easier way to change themselves.

of course i'm hurt. maybe because I've learn to become more mature with my thoughts with the time passing by or i'm just old lmao. i think that latter. i don't have the energy to waste my thoughts on such petty things no more. i'm already in a depressive state here, so I don't think any more stress would help make it better anyway 😌

for now, i think i'm still in shock and trying to process everything. i don't really wanna express what happened that much on social media because i know it'll just be toxic and eat myself up by the end of the day.

but for now, i'm not crying so i think i'm okay. right? 

xx,

husna



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